first.

im having a difficult time figuring out what it is.  they say its los angeles.  dating in los angeles is the worst.  some say that dating in big cities is the worst.  i just think its me.  statistically speaking, i am the common denominator, right?  i am still single.  i say pretty much yes to dates when asked most of the time at this point.  im bored.  im a single mom, divorced.  the bar gets lower every year.  the good news is that my self awareness has gotten increasingly better since i started dating again. 
overly emotional? 
yes. 
overly dramatic? 
yes. 
too soon? 
absolutely. 
too much? 
you fuckin betcha. 

the good news is that self love is a real thing.  self care is a real thing.  self realization is a real thing.  something about not searching for someone to fix this black hole of undying need inside me.  yea.  fuck that.  you can stop searching, because that person literally doesn't exist outside of yourself.  i know.  it makes me want to cry too. 

the things that i did to help get out of my lonely depression, stuck in bed, wondering where my life is going:  get out.  get a dog.  fuck it, get 4 dogs.  hate the gym?  cool, go sit in the sauna instead.  hate hikes?  cool, go to the beach and watch the sunset.  go sit there.  go somewhere.  hate your life out of your house.  it takes about 30 days of consistently doing something to create a habit.  i don't know why, but being outside of my cave of a home forced me to change the dance.  going to the gym every day to sit in the sauna eventually turned into working out on the elliptical 1 day a week, then 2 days, then 5 days a week.  sitting at the beach crying on the bench every day turned into me walking into the ocean and feeling the water on the face.  everyone says to go out there and do shit.  i say just leave your fucking house. 

and leave your piece of shit man.  cuz you're just better than that.